Murphy manages to make the case for better listening while giving the reader a lot of helpful and concrete advice on how to listen better, and I hope that you can pick up this book and try some of the things she’s mentioned too. Overall, I found this to be an excellent read. Murphy is clear that a face to face conversation conveys the most information, followed by a phone call, and then text, but given that speaking over the internet is such an important part of our lives, is there any way we can do to improve it? Would audio-first networks like Clubhouse work, or could we have thoughtful conversations over blogs if we slow down and take the time to read what others are saying? One question that I had after reading this book was how social media could be improved to make us listen. But if you look at the benefits of good listening – understanding the other side, becoming firmer in our beliefs because we’ve heard the other side (and perhaps even better mental health because our amygdalae aren’t overactive), and making actual progress on issues rather than just creating viral soundbites. Learning about what a good listener is made me realise that… I’m not a very good listener at all! Listening to someone properly takes a lot of effort and I can see why so many of us would rather be distracted by social media than do this sometimes uncomfortable but rewarding activity. Learn to wait out the silences, instead of jumping in to speak.Support, don’t shift the conversation – When someone tells you something, do you turn the topic back to your experiences or do you ask a question that allows the speaker to elaborate further?.Do not be distracted – Our minds can move much faster than our lips and we must resist the temptation to wander off while listening to someone. Be in a receptive mode – Don’t just listen to the words, listen for the thoughts, meanings, and feelings.Instead, start by being curious about your conversation partner. Start from a position of curiosity – If you’re listening in order to advance your agenda, people will sense your inauthenticity.What is a good listener? The book looks at the topic from a variety of viewpoints, and gives us tips such as: Because we’re not listening, we’re not connecting with one another, leading to more shouting on our parts because we want human connection. In You’re Not Listening, Murphy attributes this to a decline in listening. It’s the missed opportunity to connect when you weren’t listening or someone wasn’t really listening to you.If you’ve ever been tired of social media, it shouldn’t be hard for you to feel that we’re not connecting with each other. What makes us feel most lonely and isolated in life is less often the result of a devastating traumatic event than the accumulation of occasions when nothing happened but something profitably could have. The lack of being known and accepted in this way leads to feelings of inadequacy and emptiness. It’s when someone takes an interest in who you are and what you are doing. Listening is about the experience of being experienced. Listening is not about teaching, shaping, critiquing, appraising, or showing how it should be done (“Here, let me show you.” “Don’t be shy.” “That’s awesome!” “Smile for Daddy.”). It’s what we all crave to be understood as a person with thoughts, emotions, and intentions that are unique and valuable and deserving of attention. “To listen well is to figure out what’s on someone’s mind and demonstrate that you care enough to want to know. She also has a commercial pilot's license, which she puts to good use when called upon to report from remote locations. She is known for her fresh and accessible way of explaining complex subjects, particularly the science behind human interactions, helping readers understand why people behave the way they do. Her eclectic and widely shared pieces have explored an extraordinary range of topics including health, technology, science, design, art, aviation, business, finance, fashion, dining, travel, and real estate. Kate Murphy is a Houston, Texas-based journalist whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly.
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